Fire Emblem Struggles
by Icestorm238
Summary: The Greil Mercenaries and their friends struggle on through their turn-based lives.


**I've recently become addicted to Fire Emblem again, and felt like making fun of it. Why not? This is what I came up with. It's inspired by 'Ike versus the Fourth Wall' by Moczo.**

_Radiant Dawn – 3-13 – Blood Contract_

"Please, Maiden, take this tome so you're not completely useless up here!" the soldier said, feeling blessed that he got to speak to the amazing Micaiah, Priestess of Dawn, General of the Daein Royal Army, and many other Mary Sueish titles.

Micaiah smiled her radiant smile. "Tha- wait, what do you mean 'up here'?" she asked.

"You see that glowing blue line?"

"Yeah, I see the glowing _green_ line, what about it?"

"Well…you can't cross it."

"What!" Micaiah shouted. "But- I- what- I'm not going to get any experience up here! The objective of this stage is to keep the Apostle's Army on the other side of that line!"

The soldier took a step back. The Maiden was scary. "Well, yeah," he said, "But at least you'll be safe!"

"But I need the experience!" Micaiah whined. "I auto-class change after playing about three more chapters and I'm only level three! I need to be at least level twelve if I want to survive part four!"

The soldier was getting worried – the Maiden seemed angry, and she was pretty good with her light magic. The soldier liked living – he didn't want to be a bunch of ashes. Would he be ashes? He wasn't sure. Does light magic turn you into ashes?

"You don't have to hold the line, you could always defeat the boss and get it over with!" the soldier said.

Micaiah thought about this. "But we're all low second tier, except Leonardo who is a level 11 archer, Jill who is a level 11 beast of a dragonmaster, Tauroneo who is a level 17 lance general and Meg, Fiona and Aran who have spent the whole game unused. We need the experience, the Greil Mercenaries are almost all third tier! We're going to fight."

"Okay, Maiden, we'll fight." The soldier backed away and returned to his post.

Micaiah looked over her team. "Okay gang, here's the plan. Edward, Nolan and Tauroneo, you block the steps. Go right to the edge so they can't climb up the ledge. Tauroneo, equip a javelin or a hand axe or something. Leo and Laura, you go to the right on that ledge there and attack anything stupid enough to stand below you. Laura, alternate between your physic staff and light magic. Sothe and Jill, take the left side. Jill, you still have Beastfoe so fly down, kill something and fly back. The rest of you, just chill back here with me. Daein Army, move out!"

Ike ran in. "That's my line!" he yelled.

"I don't care!" Micaiah yelled back. "It sounds cool!"

"Wait, Commander Ike is the boss? Micaiah, we're holding the line." Sothe declared.

"We already decided that Sothe." Micaiah replied. Sothe looked hurt.

"We?"

"Yeah, me and that random nameless soldier that gave me this." Micaiah held up her new Purge tome.

"Oh."

Meanwhile, on the over end of the stage, Ike, Soren and the laguz were just starting their own planning.

"So, Soren," Ike started, "What are we doing this stage?"

Soren shuffled some papers. "Well, we're not the protagonists so…nothing much. You're the boss, so they might try and kill you. That's highly unlikely though, considering it's the Dawn Brigade. Jill might be a threat if she has Laura healing her, but we should be fine. They have to hold that glowing green line for 12 turns. If we step past it, we win. On turn 10 Ranulf comes in, then the Mercenaries start entering. You're supposed to start moving on turn 11 and I just sit here."

"Okay. This'll be fun."

A few hours later, Ranulf entered.

"Hey guys! How's it going?" he asked, cheerfully. He was greeted with groans from Ike and Soren.

"Micaiah is really struggling, Edward and Nolan keep dying – they're only level 5 and 8 of their second tier. The laguz keep attacking them from the side and they can't take it. She tried Volug instead but he can't transform in time so he has to halfshift, which ends in him dying. The only other possibilities are Zihark, Aran, Meg and Fiona, and they're all useless in this playthrough." Ike paused in his rant. "But I guess Meg and Fiona are always useless."

"I don't understand why they're having so much trouble!" Soren moaned, from his position on the ground leaning on Ike, "We're playing in easy mode, the laguz are stupid enough to stand under the ledges, where they can't attack and the Daein's have an advantage! They have three bishops, including Laura, all with physic staves, why is this so hard for them?"

Just as Soren was finishing his rant, a tiger laguz ran up to Edward and critically hit him, killing him. Everyone groaned as Micaiah restarted again.

"You should go." Ike told Ranulf.

"Actually, I think I'll hang around. This looks interesting!" Ranulf grinned. Ike just shrugged.

Micaiah looked over her team again. "Okay, this isn't working, that's the nineteenth attempt."

"Are you sure? I thought it was the twentieth." Laura said. Micaiah glared at her.

"It was the nineteenth." She snapped. Laura just nodded.

"Right, Sothe! Give me your Paragon!" Micaiah said. Sothe cradled the skill against his chest.

"But I like it! It got me from level 11 to level 16 in one stage!" he complained.

"That's nothing!" Edward interrupted, "I get from level 5 to level 20 in one level later on!"

Nolan sighed. "Edward, I get from level 8 to level 20 in that same level _without Paragon_."

Micaiah glared at them. "Edward, Nolan, spoilers. Sothe, give me the Paragon."

Sothe reluctantly handed it over. Micaiah grinned. "Awesome." She said, "Now I might actually be a decent level when I class change. Okay, I'm going to stand here." She walked to the edge of the platform. "Leo, stand next to me. We might be able to get you to second tier." Leonardo moved to the spot she was indicating, wondering how this would help. "Sothe," Micaiah continued, "do you have a knife?"

Sothe held up a silver knife. "Yeah, but-"

"Stand next to me." Micaiah ordered. Sothe opened his mouth to argue that he was needed on the front lines, then closed it again and decided to just trust Micaiah.

"Edward, you have a wind edge? Stand next to Leo. Nolan, hand axe? Next to Sothe. Anyone with a long range weapon stand along the edge like we are. No, wait, not you Jill, or you Tauroneo. You two hang on. The rest of you just chill at the back. Laura, you keep using physic but stay on this side of the line. Tauroneo, you go down to the left and defend there. Jill, do the same on the right. You keep flying around and killing, you still have Beastfoe remember. Right, let's go!"

On the other end of the stage…

"What are they doing?" Ike said. Soren sat up.

"Oh, they're just going to sit there and get as much experience as they can like that. Clever." He muttered."

"What do we do?" Ike asked.

"Send in the hawks" Soren replied. "It'll take longer for them to win but I want to see their reactions."

They did so.

Micaiah was waiting in her spot toward the back. "What are you doing!" she screamed at the Daein soldier who had moved beneath her. "Stop protecting me! The Laguz can't even attack me up here! If you move though they'll stand underneath me so I can attack them and get some experience! Move! I'm perfectly safe!"

While Micaiah was ranting, a hawk flew up around her line and attacked her. Micaiah died. Sothe restarted. The group looked at Micaiah expectantly.

"Okay, that didn't go as well as I thought it would. Everyone, same places as last time, except Meg, Fiona, Aran, Zihark and Volug all line up along the edge of this platform to block the hawks. Laura, you too. Let's do this!"

Soren watched them get into position. "Not bad. They might actually make it this time."

Eleven turns later, Micaiah and co. were all still alive. The Greil Mercenaries started running in, then running forward.

"Retreat!" Micaiah yelled. "Run away! You'll never survive against the- What are you doing?! Run! Don't attack Boyd! He'll-oh, he's activated Colossus. You're dead. Congratulations, idiot. Run! Everyone run! Oh come on! Why are you attacking him? He just killed your friend and now you're dead too. Brilliant."

Then the stage ended.

"Wait, did we just beat the stage?" Micaiah asked no-one. "We just beat the stage. YES! FINALLY!"

It had only taken twenty-one attempts. It was a new record.

**This is actually how I play this stage now. The first time round it happened like this, and since then I just ****gather around the line. It's cheap, but it works so I'll take it.**


End file.
